Here is the official line-up for WWE No Way Out:
- Cena versus Big Show in a steel cage match with John Lauranitis being fired if Big Show loses.
- CM Punk versus Kane versus Daniel Bryan for the WWE title.
- Sheamus versus Dolph Ziggler for the World Heavyweight Championship.
- Christian versus Cody Rhodes for the Intercontinental title.
- Beth versus Layla for the Diva’s title.
- Brodus Clay versus David Otunga on Youtube for the pre-show.
According to WWE’s corporate site, Paul Levesque (Triple H) is now listed as the new Executive Vice President of Talent Relations.
Expect him to be interim general manager of Raw any time soon :p
by Jon Cronshaw
The lyrics to RVD’s entrance theme are an experiment in poetic form which hide layers of information about Rob Van Dam which might not be immediately obvious to the uninitiated listener. As Rob Vam Dams unofficial biographer, I feel that I am the only person who can provide the in depth analysis required.
“Rob Van Dam,
The whole f’ing show,”
At first glance these lines seem innocent enough, but on the contrary, it actually refers to a little known event in 2010. Desperate to increase TNA’s dwindling ratings, Eric Bischoff spent many hours analysising TNA footage and realised that the highest-rated moment on the show was RVD’s debut in the Impact zone. A pilot of the new TNA Impact was recorded which literally had Rob Van Dam as the whole f’ing show. As Bischoff predicted, RVD’s entrance music began and the crowd pop was huge. Bischoff looked on grinning and rubbing his hands: he knew that this would beat WWE into submission. As Rob Van Dam entered the ring, he started doing that arm thing in time with his name and pointing at his mid-90s haircut with his thumbs. The crowd went wild. Bischoff had done it again. Van Dams entrance theme did not stop however, and for the next 40 minutes, RVD was stood in the ring doing that arm thing in time with his name and pointing at his mid-90s haircut with his thumbs.. As the last person left the Impact zone looking visibly upset, taping was cut. Eric Bischoff said in a statement “damn it, I tell the fans what they want, they don’t tell me.” He insisted on recording four more episodes of the show before a shadowy group known as The Network stepped in to pull the plug.
These four statements are actually quite confusing because they refer to two distinct aspects of RVD’s life outside of the ring. It is a little known fact that Van Dam runs a junk yard with Screech out of Saved by the Bell, with RVD insisting that all van related scrapage is his department: he damns vans; he assassinates them; he crushes them. He just loves scrapping vans. Be careful not to be confused by the words “van terminator”, as this is actually a reference to RVD’s role defending teenage boys from futuristic robots. Nobody has ever seen these robots, but RVD still keeps his vigil.
“A chair shot right to your brain,
Straight to your skull, crack!”
A little bit of background is needed if we are to puzzle out the meaning of these lines. The words are actually a thinly-veiled reference to Van Dam’s first job working for a removals company. RVD’s obsession with vans started at a young age, and he makes no secret of the fact that his favourite type of van was always the Luton box van: the perfect van for furniture removals. It was during his three year stint as a removals man, that him and Screech were moving a particularly awkward chair - it wasn’t particularly heavy it was just difficult to hold onto. With Screech distracted, RVD was hit on the side of his head by the chair, Screech screeched (as expected), but RVD just smiled. It was at that moment that Van Dam realised he could take a bump on the noggin and decided to become a professional wrestler.
“Five star frog splash,
You can’t stop that,”
It is at this point in the song where the grammar of the lyrics is somewhat ambiguous, and the meaning becomes opaque to the average wrestling fan. The first line should read ‘Five Star, Frog, Splash’ - references to some of Van Dam’s most favourite things in the world. Since 1985, RVD has been the president of the official Five Star fan club. For those who might not remember, Five Star were a British pop/R&B group from the 1980s who shot to fame with hits like ‘Rain or Shine’ and ‘The Slightest Touch’. RVD and Screech remain the only members of the fan club.
The second part of this line refers to Van Dam’s most favourite song in the world - he calls it “Frog”, but its full title is actually ‘We all Stand Together’ and was sung by Sir Paul McCartney and a chorus of tuneful amphibians. In a recent shoot interview, Raven commented on how upset he was when he found out that RVD’s iPod only contained We All Stand Together and Five Star’s Greatest Hits, noting that RVD called his iPod his ‘love machine’.
The word “Splash” is an obvious homage to the film Splash starring Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah, with John Candy in a supporting role. It is no secret that this is Van Dam’s most favourite movie in the world, but what most fans might not know is that Hannah’s character Madison had a profound influence upon Van Dam’s early wrestling gimmick. Before Rob Van Dam was Mr Pay Per View, he paid his dues on the indie circuit wrestling as the Merman. He would be transported to the ring on a trailer and flopped onto the ring. With his legs bound together in his merman outfit, unable to walk or jump, most of Van Dam’s offensive manoeuvres were rendered unusable. After a few particularly bad matches, RVD’s merman gimmick was dropped, much to his chagrin.
I hope that my careful analysis has given you a better insight into the world of Rob Van Dam. Next time I will look at how Dana White and Vince McMahon are ditching pay-per-view after Dixie Carter declared them a dying business.
Injuries and suspensions seem rife at the moment. R-Truth can be added to the list of wrestlers pulled from recent shows due to injury.
According to sources close to the company, R-Truth has broken his foot. It is unclear whether or not he will continue to perform with the injury.
The World Heavyweight Championship match at WWE’s No Way Out pay-per-view is in jeopardy after sources close to the company noted that Alberto Del Rio has been kept off house shows due to suffering a concussion.
It is highly likely that Dolph Ziggler will be the replacement to face Sheamus.
Expect an announcement on Raw.
With FCW taping its final show, questions have been raised about WWE’s developmental system going forward. According to Jim Ross’ blog, NXT will be repackaged and rebranded, with Ross and William Regal on commentary.
The announcing team of Regal and Ross may work wonders in building up talent.
Bobby Roode versus Sting for the TNA World Heavyweight championship.
- I predict that Bobby Roode will win this match through shenanigans. Their last few matches were very good, so this will be a great main event.
Christopher Daniels and Kazarian versus A.J. Styles and Kurt Angle for the tag titles.
- I’m not sure who will win this match. You’d expect that this match would be the time for Kazarian and Daniels to get their comeuppance. However, it feels as though the story isn’t at the point of climax yet, so I will go with Daniels and Kaz to win.
Jeff Hardy versus Rob Van Dam versus Mr. Anderson – Winner becomes numbers one contender.
- I feel like I have seen this match, or a version of it, a dozen times. Honestly, I don’t want to see any of these three in the number one contender position. Has the potential to be a train-wreck match. I predict Jeff Hardy will win.
Joseph Park versus Bully Ray
- This may be the most intriguing match on the card. I can’t wait to see how this plays out, especially as Abyss has vowed to return. It would be great if Abyss does in fact have a brother, and that it really is him in the ring with Ray. I can see a strange ‘split personality’ angle coming, which might be horrible. Otherwise, I can Park being taken out on a stretcher after losing the match, for Abyss to run out and take out Ray… It’s very difficult to predict a winner on this one, but I’m going to go with Bully Ray.
Gail Kim versus Miss Tessmacher for the Knockouts title
- With another Brooke on TV, it seems that Tessmacher has been forced to go back to being Miss again. I predict Gail Kim will win.
Austin Aries versus Samoa Joe
- This has the potential to be a hell of a match. It would have made more sense if the X Division title was on the line, but hey. As it’s a non-title match, I can see Joe winning.
Devon and Garrett Bischoff versus Robbie E and Robbie T
- I’m quite convinced that no matter how hard they try, Garrett Bischoff will never get over as a babyface. This match will probably be horrible. Devon is by far the best worker in this match, but he can’t possibly carry three people. I predict Devon and Garrett will win.
Crimson has issued an open challenge to anyone
- This could be interesting, perhaps we will see the return of Joey Ryan, the debut of Chris Masters, or Christian in action (though I doubt the latter). If it is Chris Masters, I can see Crimson getting his first loss, but against anyone else, Crimson will win.
Kid Kash vs. Hernandez
- I’m not really sure what to make of this, but I assume Hernadez will win.
The first inductee into the TNA Hall of Fame
At present, this should only be one of three people: Jeff Jarrett, A.J. Styles or Sting. Judging by the A.J storyline, I doubt very much that it will be him. So Sting or Jarrett. Personally, I’d like to see Jarrett back (ideally with his MMA gimmick!). However, a more likely thing will be that Christian will be the one honoured - a great way to make TNA look like a second-tier company.
WWE wrestler, Christian, is set to attend TNA Slammiversary. It is unclear what his role will be on the show.
He will also be recording talking-head segments for a forthcoming DVD.
This was arranged when Ric Flair attended WWE’s Hall of Fame ceremony while still being under contract to TNA.
Former WWE wrestler Chris Masters was given a tryout in the Impact Zone before last night’s show.
He was beaten by Robbie E, but the crowd were really into him.
After his success with Ring Ka King (an Indian wrestling promotion produced by TNA), it is very likely that he will signed to the main roster.
Eli Cottonwood has left WWE developmental to pursue a new career.
Randy Orton, on his Twitter wrote:
“When I’m able to tell you, I will. Until then, don’t believe everything you read.”